Hey Reader,
I’m writing this from the shittiest Airbnb I’ve ever stayed at. We arrived extremely late, because that’s just how it goes on the roads here. I accept that.
At 2 am, in a wind storm.
I came downstairs to write because what do you do when you can’t sleep? Meditate, write?
This is one of those emails that’s going to be challenging for me to write. I’m a 5/1 in human design. The 5/1 likes to share when things are done, when there’s less vulnerability because you’re a little further away from the story and not in the middle of it. Sometimes that makes for better teaching, and also sometimes not. In this case, I am not. As part of my profile work: I’m sharing this with you.
Luke and I are on a road trip.
Was the Airbnb advertised differently than it is? Absolutely. Am I upset, I mean, not really, no.
I’m treating it as an experiment, in gratitude I guess? Many people in Costa Rica live like this, and the people renting this out probably really need the income. But I also really need the sleep.
Ooooo maybe I am pissed, but I’m not letting myself go there. No Christy, we are not going there. It’s genuinely not worth the energy to be angry at anyone, what happened happened. And an insistent need for justice is something I struggle with, and that I’ve been choosing to slowly stop struggling with, because PEACE. A frequency that only exists when you stop trying to calculate, blame, and figure out if things could have gone better. If you could have done better.
It’s like a road with two paths. You used to always take the road on the right, but then one day, you get injured going down that road. “Ok, mental note, never take the road on the right. Because that road means I’ll get injured. So this time, we are taking the left.” Calculated. Thanks brain. And then, in all your calculating, you take the road on the left.
You get injured on this one too. I’d like to have thought that my mind could keep me out of it, that if I used past data and past associations, if I remember how bad something hurt, then I could prevent future pain, but maybe, sometimes, you just end up in a shitty situation for growth no matter what path you take.
And it turns into gold if you’d just accept that the perfect conditions for awakening are always… NOW. Right here, in the exact experiences and circumstances you are in.
Is this what they meant when they said all roads lead to Rome? Idk. And you always let go of what was on previous roads taken because what if it ends up better than you could ever imagine?
On the drive here, Luke and I were talking about life.
Truth be told, I’ve been frustrated. Maybe that’s the word for it.
You may have seen a couple of my posts sharing, “Ya, I’ve been through a terrible health journey and now I’m back, yay!” But it hasn’t worked that way. Yes, I’m frustrated. Could things have been different? I’m starting to see that that question is in direct defiance of any peace I could find here and now. Perfect conditions for awakening, here, now. Got it.
5 years ago, I wanted more for my life. I was stuck. My income had plateaued at 10k months and I felt like I was stuck in all areas of life. Like life was good, but monotonous, and there were things I wasn’t looking at. Things I didn’t want to look at. Like my relationship.
I got honest with myself one day on my balcony, asking the universe, what do I need to do to expand? I heard, “believe in better.” I wanted to be matched, in love, ambition, joy. I didn’t know that listening to this desire would result in my leap to 20k months and huge life changes.
I felt the whisper (and sat on it for a long time because of fear, but eventually chose alignment): “Leave your fiancé. There’s something deeper for you.” Sacral yes. I listened.
I met Luke 5 years ago. King. God, I love this man more and more every day. After 5 years, I never could have imagined where we’d end up or what we’d go through to get here. Luke: Sacral Yes.
4 years ago, I had skyrocketed my life. Luke had infused so much love and passion into my life, and I had so much energy from following my yeses, being creative, and serving my clients. I was having high 5 figure months, and then hit a 100k month. We celebrated.
A month later, one day, I started going to the bathroom. Normally this is nothing novel. But, It was a lot. 40 times in an hour, and not the good kind. The kind where people are diagnosed with serious diseases, the kind where organs are cut out of you and it’s called healing. Sacral no. Something was seriously wrong. I started having dizziness spells, where Luke and I would be walking and my ears would start ringing, my vision would blur and my balance would go wobbly.
I’d always struggled with my health and I thought I was getting better. Since my early 20s, I had been heavily focused on healing my body.
Growing up with chronic illness and extreme fight or flight from living in a household where building bunkers for the inevitable rapture and never knowing whether the abuse was going to be physical or emotional left me barely able to walk when I left. I left my home, moved in with an ex, and three weeks later, I couldn’t drive myself to work because my body was falling apart. Knee braces on both knees, a back brace to be able to stand.
I had gone to see some doctors, many actually, and quickly found that the traditional medical system was NOT for me. Why did anything they wanted to give me have “cancer and disease” as a possible side effect? Sacral no.
I refused to accept the limitation of feeling sick in this lifetime. I refuse anything but vitality. (You need to know that your refusals about how life gets to go for you will be your deepest catalyst into change and discovering the solutions you need. Did I just talk about the point of acceptance equaling peace? yes. Both acceptance and non-acceptance are important parts of the spiritual path. Welcome to paradox.)
Up until these new symptoms 8 years later, I had done ok and thought I was getting better. I was eating mostly clean keto. Vegetables, organics, proteins.
Luke told me about what he had done years before to heal his body. I didn’t know at the time, but he was a certified detox specialist. Detox: removing accumulated toxins stored in the body from the toxic US food system and environmental toxins the body holds? Sounded difficult, but where I was wasn’t working. I was dying.
Sacral yes.
A decision that led to the hardest year(s) of my life.
Many many different routines, new protocols. Water fasts, juice fasts, detox symptoms. Feeling worse and worse.
2023, 25 percent of that year was just juice fasting. I was detoxing more, had paused my business for 6 months, and had come back to it. But I still didn’t feel good. I started having trouble walking, Luke had to carry me up and down the stairs. The devastation I felt as I could not walk was indescribable. My heart broke daily. I needed more nutrient density, a cleaner environment, to get away from the 5g. it was time to move. Hello Costa Rica. We moved.
Sacral yes.
I thought healing was going to happen faster,
I never could have predicted the time it would take,
I never could have imagined the pain.
I’m sitting here typing trying to find a better word than pain. P A I N. It’s just a word, it’s all just words until you come into the lived experience of it.
I prepared for years for this: I embarked on 105 days of just orange juice and coconut water.
I was bedridden as I experienced detox symptoms:
spitting chemicals out of my mouth for 80 days,
Severe acne and sores all over my body,
Excruciating itchiness and heat flashes that lasted many months
Pain flares where I would scream in agony for half an hour daily, if not more,
Many days of sobbing all day, wondering what this was all for,
Toxins leaving my system at a rapid rate
Reliving the moments of where and when my body had gathered that toxicity
Feeling my physical and emotional body unravel
One night during rebuilding, the phase where you are no longer fasting but actively rebuilding the systems from not only the detox which is incredibly difficult on the system but also rebuilding from genetic weaknesses, I woke up in immense pain. Immense. I started yelling for help, begging for death. It was a pancreas spasm, something that can happen if a person has a pancreas weakness genetically or from organ degeneration from toxins. It was 8 hours of the most horrific pain ive ever experienced. Not 1 second did it let up or recede during that 8 hour period. It was akin to being stabbed in the gut but the stabbing not stopping.
I was shaking, sweating, rocking back and forth, screaming, as terror raged through my body.
I hoped I would die, I begged to go unconscious.
Morning came and the pain dissipated.
Within the next 4 weeks I proceeded to experience 3 more pancreas spasms as my body regenerated. It took me into a depth of suffering that was so vast, so deep and so dark. It unlocked a compassion within me for the suffering of humans. For the resiliency. We all will experience deep pain in this life, whether that be physical or emotional. And people who get the experience of the deepest pain either unlock deep compassion or steep in deep violence.
Contrast this deep allows an equal and opposite expression of light.
That’s why I want you to know, that whatever you are struggling with, whatever weighs heavy on your heart, whatever suffering has found you: the equal and opposite amount of light is available for you.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you said Rumi.
Feb 24 last year was the day I started that fast. And since day 105 of it, I’ve been going through rebuilding.
Pain with almost every meal,
Ups and downs,
New detox symptoms,
Things healing physically,
New trauma/genetic/ancestral layers surfacing to be healed with every physical layer I touched
It’s been slowly SLOWLY getting better. And I’m thankful for the infusion of light I’ve gotten from this way of living. I’m thankful for the infusion of light I got from Luke (which translates to light in latin.) He carried me around the house, fed me, was there as I screamed in agony more times than I can count.
I didn’t know we’d be having a conversation tonight: me thanking Luke for the hundredth time for being my caretaker the last 3 years and for saving my life.
The consciousness shift from keto to mostly fruitarian is something I will try to explain someday, but truly cannot. It’s excruciating, it’s awakening, it removes every crutch, every addiction, every ounce of numbing. It restores nerves and awakens psychic abilities, it illuminates shadows more than any drug I’ve ever done. It clears every body, the emotional, physical, mental bodies.
I look back on what has happened here since we moved more than a year and a half ago with a “WTF even was that?” Deep deep heartbreak, reverence, and a heartfelt “Thank you.” It’s complicated.
The frustration comes from ups and downs. As soon as I’m up, I think I’m back and ready to go, but deeper healing comes for me. I’ve been working with it, honoring the cycles of energy and rest even though my mind is READY TO GO. I’m ready to create, and share, and serve. I have so many ideas, so many teachings, so much in me wanting to burst forth.
Part of me is annoyed I made those posts about my healing because those were moments of ups before the downs came again, but the trend is up. Even if it’s slow. Truth is, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been even though I’m more sensitive than I’ve ever been because of rebuilding. It’s such a paradox to me that I can feel so bad some days but be sooo much further along in reclaiming health than I’ve ever been in this lifetime.
This return is difficult for me because IM READYYYYYYYYYY. And im trusting the speed of the unfolding happening within my body, even if some moments are frustrating. Even if the story isn’t perfectly complete yet and I can’t yet tell you “Everything is perfect in my health and I feel 100 times more vital!” I know I soon will.
Something I’ll be sharing with you more over the next 2 weeks: I have new things coming and it’s finally time to close the special for the HD Profile Mastery Process.
It’s been a light for me in this dark tunnel to not only continue to do my own profile mastery work but to receive messages and testimonials from individuals going through their profile mastery process. The work goes deep and in this season, it served a deeper purpose for me than when I originally created it for which was for unlocking being seen as an authority through authentic expression and getting paid for it.
My profile did not give me personality insight which is how most people use it.
It gave me a solidity in self while I experienced the cycle of what goes down must come up,
A solid depth of identity for the navigation of the dark night of the soul and ego death.
Truly you can navigate anything for your highest good when you know deeply who you are without shadows (your profile) and not just where you are going (your authority)
Identity is the foundation of all.
You can read/listen to the Profile to Abundance Shadow Revealer ebook and audiobook for free right now ⤵️
